DOES DIVORCE MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY?
By Rev. Ronald D. McLain
Executive Director
Marriage Mentoring Ministries, Inc.
ron@marriagementoringministries.com
James and Annabel sat in front of me in a counseling session with that faraway look on their faces. "We have decided to get divorced," she offered. James nodded in the affirmative with no outward emotion at all.
"Are you sure," I asked, aware that they had only been married for two years.
"Yep, and don't try and talk us out of it," Annabel said with a determination and finality in her voice.
I'd like to say that this is a rare occasion in counseling Christian couples but it is not. Every time I hear a couple go in the direction of divorce my heart breaks. I wonder if they have really tried to make it work. Perhaps they have. Sometimes there is adultery and the offended party can't get past the pain. And other times there is physical abuse or prolonged drug use that has worn on the person wanting the divorce.
While these are reasons I hear in counseling, I have to confess-most of the time these are not the reasons given for wanting a divorce. In the past 23 years, the reason I have heard the most is, "I love my husband (or my wife), but I'm not in love with him."
So...believers and non-believers alike are marching down to the county courthouse to file divorce papers at about the same rate. While the actual percentage is debateable, approximately 45% of all couples are ending their marriages and choosing to opt for a "new beginning." Little do they know the pain that lies ahead of them.
Call it the "divorce assumption." Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier. But now come the findings from the first scholarly study ever to test that assumption, and these findings challenge conventional wisdom. Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.
Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.
What helped the unhappy marrieds turn things around? These once-discontented marrieds felts their unions got better via one of three routes, the report says:
- Marital endurance. With time, job situations improved, children got older or better, or chronic ongoing problems got put into new perspective. Partners did not work on their marriages.
- Marital work. Spouses actively worked to solve problems, change behavior or improve communication.
- Personal change. Partners found "alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good an happy life despite a mediocre marriage. In effect, the unhappy partner changed.
THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMITTMENT
Spouses interviewed in the focus groups whose marriages had turned around had an intense commitment to their marriages. To avoid divorce, many assume, marriages must become happier. But it is at least equally true that in order to get happier, unhappy couples or spouses must first avoid divorce. Couples take vows, "for better or worse," and that takes commitment, the kind that Jesus Christ made to us on the Cross.
"In most cases, a strong commitment to staying married not only helps couples avoid divorce, it helps more couples achieve a happier marriage," notes University of Denver research team member Scott Stanley.
The Scriptures are clear that one man is to marry one woman for a lifetime, barring unforeseen tragedies to either partner. Divorce does happen. And the Bible says that Jesus permits divorce because of the hardness of men's hearts. But I have seen many couples work through the tragedy of adultery and other heart-wrenching problems and end up with satisfying and happy marriages. Believers need to keep our commitments to our spouses and trust the Holy Spirit in us to strengthen us and makes us the partners He wants us to be. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. Marriage is tough. Divorced life is tougher!
The conclusion of this first research-based study out of the University of Chicago is a resounding NO, divorce does not make people happier! In fact, quite the contrary. I've never met a person who was divorced who also didn't experience great pain as a result, even if they had Biblical cause. Check out the marital checkup questions and suggestions in the inset of this article to make sure your marriage is on track! You'll be glad you did!
Marital Check-Up
HUSBANDS & WIVES (take some time this week and go through these together)
- Do you know your spouses love language? Does he or she like to receive gifts ? Does she want quality time from you? Does he enjoy physical touch? Does she want to hear encouraging words from you? Do you enjoy acts of service from the other?
- As your spouse this question, "Is there anything you need more of from me these days?" "Less of?" How can you demonstrate your love for one another?
- Do you have a date night? If not, why not? Start this week. Don't make excuses like you can't afford it--- you can't afford not to! Even if it's a walk in the park or getting an ice-cream cone, you need to get out and spend time together.
- Have you attended a marriage class recently together or read a book on marriage? Perhaps your church has a class. If not, go to the Christian bookstore and buy a book on marriage and read it together.
- Recall what it was that attracted you to each other and share those qualities about each other one evening this week (after the kids are in bed!).
- Practice the 5 to 1 rule - five positive comments to every negative one.
- And...don't forget the 7 most powerful words in a marriage, "I am sorry, will you forgive me?"
Facts About Marital Distress and Divorce
Scott M. Stanley & Howard J. Markman
University of Denver and PREP, Inc.
Younger people in the U.S. who are marrying for the first time face roughly a 40-50% chance of divorcing in their lifetime under current trends (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1992, p. 5).
Of first marriages that end in divorce, many end in the first 3 to 5 years. (As one example, for first marriages ending in divorce among women aged 25 to 29, the median length of marriage before divorce in 1990 was 3.4 years; U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1992, p. 4).
Adults and children are at increased risk for mental and physical problems due to marital distress (e.g., Cherlin & Furstenberg, 1994; Coie et al. 1993; Coyne, Kahn, & Gotlib, 1987; Cowan & Cowan, 1992; Fincham, Grych, & Osborne, 1993).
Mismanaged conflict and negative interaction in marriage predicts both marital distress and negative effects for children (e.g., Gottman, 1994; Markman & Hahlweg, 1993; Clements, Stanley, & Markman, 1997; Cowan & Cowan, 1992; and Grych & Fincham, 1990).
Marital problems are associated with decreased work productivity, especially for men (e.g., Forthofer, Markman, Cox, Stanley, & Kessler, 1996).
A variety of studies suggest that the seeds of marital distress and divorce are there for many couples when they say, "I Do." These studies show that premarital (or early marital) variables can predict which couples will do well and which will not with accuracies of 80% up to 94% (e.g., Clements, Stanley, & Markman, 1997; Fowers, Montel, & Olson, 1996; Gottman, 1994; Karney & Bradbury, 1995; Kelly & Conley, 1987; and Rogge & Bradbury, in press).
Many more couples live together prior to marriage than in the past--recent estimates are in the range of 60+% (Stanley & Markman, 1997; Bumpass & Sweet, 1991). These couples are less likely to stay married, probably mostly due to the fact that they are less conservative about marriage and divorce in the first place.
Money is the one thing that people say they argue about most in marriage, followed by children (Stanley & Markman, 1997). But, there is a lot of reason to believe that what couples argue about is not as important as how they argue (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 1994).
Married men and women in all age groups are less likely to be limited in activity (a general health indice) due to illness than single, separated, divorced, or widowed individuals (National Center for Health Statistics, 1997).
Children living with a single parent or adult report a higher prevalence of activity limitation and higher rates of disability. They are also more likely to be in fair or poor health and more likely to have been hospitalized (National Center for Health Statistics, 1997).
The "triple threat" of marital conflict, divorce, and out-of-wedlock births has led to a generation of U.S. children at great risk for poverty, health problems, alienation, and antisocial behavior.
References
Bumpass, L.L, & Sweet, J.A. (1991) The Role of Cohabitation in Declining Rates of Marriage. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 53, 913-927.
Cherlin, A. J., & Furstenberg, F. F., Jr. (1994). Step families in the United States : A reconsideration. Annual Review of Sociology, 20, 359-381.
Clements, M., Stanley, S.M., & Markman, H.J. (1997). Predicting Divorce: A discrimant analysis. Manuscript in preparation.
Coie, J., Watt, N., West, S. G., Hawkins, J. D., Asarnow, J. R., Markman, H. J., Ramey, S. L., Shure, M. B., & Long, B. (1993). The science of prevention: A conceptual framework and some directions for a national research program. American Psychologist, 48, 1013-1022.
Coyne, J. C., Kahn, J., & Gotlib, I. H. (1987). Depression. Family interaction and psychopathology: Theories, methods, and findings. New York : Plenum Press.
Cowan, C. P., & Cowan, P. A. (1992). When partners become parents: The big life change for couples. New York : Harper Collins.
Fincham, F., Grych, J., & Osborne, L. (1993, March). Interparental conflict and child adjustment: A longitudinal analysis. Paper presented at the biennial meeting of the Society for Research in Child Development, New Orleans , LA.
Forthofer, M.S., Markman, H.J., Cox, M., Stanley, S., & Kessler, R.C. (1996). Associations between marital distress and work loss in a national sample. Journal of Marriage and Family, 58, 597-605.
Fowers, B. J., Montel, K. H., & Olson, D. H. (1996). Predicting marital success for premarital couple types based on PREPARE. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 22, 103-119.
Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail. New York : Simon & Schuster.
Grych, J., & Fincham, F. (1990). Marital conflict and children's adjustment. Psychological Bulletin, 108, 267-290.
Karney, B.R., & Bradbury, T.N. (1995). The longitudinal course of marital quality and stability: A review of theory, method, and research. Psychological Bulletin, 118, 3-34.
Kelly, E. L., & Conley, J. J. (1987). Personality and compatibility: A prospective analysis of marital stability and marital satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 27-40.
Markman, H.J., Stanley , S.M., & Blumberg, S.L. (1994). Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps For A Loving and Lasting Relationship. San Francisco : Jossey Bass, Inc.
National Center for Health Statistics (1997, January). Health and SelectedSocioeconomic Characteristics of the Family: United States, 1988-90. (PHS) 97-1523. Washington D.C. : General Printing Office.
Rogge, R.D., & Bradbury, T.N. (in press). Recent Advances in the Prediction of Marital Outcomes. In R. Berger & M.T. Hannah (Eds.) Handbook of preventive approaches in couples therapy. New York : Brunner/Mazel.
Stanley , S.M., & Markman, H.J.(1997) Marriage in the 90s: A Nationwide Random Phone Survey. Denver , Colorado : PREP, Inc.
U. S. Bureau of the Census (1992). Marriage, divorce, and remarriage in the 1990's (Current Population Reports, P23-180). Washington , D.C. : U.S. Government Printing Office.
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